Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dignity is for republicans.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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