I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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