you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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