You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize