she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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