He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
