Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
