why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
