Christians are straight up FREAKS
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How's work?
Spinning.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
