Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
