woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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