She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize