I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
