I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
