Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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