quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
