it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
