So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
