The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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