My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize