____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
