my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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