Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
smell my finger.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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