We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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