I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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