ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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