i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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