im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
