I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
