Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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