My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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