Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
