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Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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