Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
