you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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