I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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