as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
