I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
