when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
They took my balls.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
