i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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