Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
