She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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