My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
