just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
