im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
