he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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