38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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