you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
