the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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