seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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