It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
