i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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