Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
there's paper in my vomit.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
