My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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