is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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