I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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