They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
