Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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